Happy Birthday to me...

Today is my Birthday, i dislike having Birthdays, i feel odd! Only because all attention is on me and i dont like that.
I try and treat it as a normal day! Love Xmas but dislike my Birthdays!
Prob because im reminded that im getiing older!
Anyway Happy Birthday to me......

Health,Appearance and Cleavage!

Today i go out for the 3rd time with my CBT Therapist, its going well, altho ive not had a true test yet- just taking small baby steps.
Had a bit of a mixed emotion week, ive been a bit paranoid over my health, just general worrying, but magnify that by 10x in my own head.
Although ive also picked my self up in regards to how i feel overall, ive been making an effort to dress better, as i find when i have my "bad weeks", i dress like such a tramp! Ie: Tracksuit bottoms/3 quater pants, and i just look like ive made no effort at all and would realy fit in with the tramps in town, all id need is a bottle of wine (haha). So out come my tight tops, high waisted jeans, and killer high heels and i feel much better. I also crimped my hair this week- Pic Above.
Wicked or what!! <3
Oh and 10/10 for my above cleavage- if anything is good about putting weight on, its that my bangers go massive :)

Word for word..

I have pinched this off someone elses blog as i feel i could have written it myself - altho i have changed a few words to fit myself.....

Thanks to the person who i pinched it off, you know who you are. (I wont make it public unless you want me to), xxx.

I DISLIKE MYSELF (ugly, fat, cellulite, horrible person, scarred, agoraphobic, mental health problems) > FRUSTRATED (because i hate my life/myself, but too scared to change) > ANGRY (because i am stuck like this and that i can't seem to improve, so i start projecting my anger outwards) > SCARED (that Danny will leave me if i dont get better) > INSECURE (that Danny will leave me because i am all of these things above) > JEALOUS (of gorgeous women that he comes in contact with) > UNTRUSTING (why would he remain faithful when i am such a fucking digusting/horrible/ugly bitch- Altho this one isnt to bad as if he ever did this i would string him up by his bolloks) > DISLIKE MSYSELF.....

It's a fuck off huge vicious cycle.

---

Odd Attack

Last night around 10.30pm i had an attack, this was odd because of a few reasons.

1) I was just listening to the radio when it happened, but i was listening to a tragic story so maybe thats what triggered it??
2) It was the same as per usual- shakes etc but i didnt feel 100% afraid as i usually do, but 90%- You prob wont get that but i do..
3) Im convinced i need a new mattress as mine is far to hard and gives me NO comfort!
4) I only had my last attack 2 weeks ago- i shouldnt have had one for at least another 2 weeks!
5) Im also beginning to see a pattern, its weekends when i have my attacks FRI-SUN, not in the week.

ODD!!

Attack.....

I had a full on attack last night- lasted around 2 1/2 hours.

Usual effects- shakes/sweats and shits. lol.

Started at 10.15 ended around 12.30-1pm.

Think i also know my trigger.........

Feeling ok today, again i will now allow myself to dwell on it...

Yay

Just wanted to note for my own personal reasons, i went the shop again today on my own, with no phone call to Danny (my dad got the waffle this time) haha. On the way back i was a 7/10 anxious, but i coped with it. :)

OMG i just had a physic reading..

I just had a reading and 90% of it is SPOT ON.

You were born into the Green Ray and travel with the Spirit of Evolution! You create harmony and balance (for example; a group of three women would need you to balance things out and not turn it into a three is a crowd type of thing). You have great compassion for others and have a healing energy as you allow people to tell you their problems. There is a gentle strength in you that others can see.

There is a hyperactive side to your character. I also feel that you can get confused and feel disorientated at times and you find it difficult to concentrate.

You love big wide open spaces and definitely need to make more time to go and visit them.

The image that I have done for you tells me how huge your heart is and how your love and compassion helps so many people. You are a great person to be around and always put a smile on someone?s face. You communicate with people well and are happy to go anywhere. You have such a free spirit; it is hard to hold you down. The number 3 is significant to you. I feel a circle of 3 as well.

You have such an open and loving character and unfortunately people have taken that for granted and I feel that you have been incredibly hurt. Enough tears have been shed now. It is time to learn about your spirit and concentrate on yourself and allow the ripple effect to begin.

You need to look after your body and start nourishing it; I feel you are not taking enough care of yourself. Stop worrying about your weight and stop idolizing skinny movie stars! A healthy diet, teamed with exercise is the quickest way to build self-esteem and boosting your energy levels.

I feel that you have a spiritual path ahead of you and that some of the people around you may not like it. I understand that it is hard to stand by your beliefs when someone is ridiculing them but be assured there will be enough support around you to just let those negative comments pass you by. Remember that your beliefs are the essence of yourself. Choose them with wisdom, honesty and courage.

I feel that you are really having a rough ride at the moment and feel as frightened child watching a horror movie. Please see fear as an illusion and when you defeat it you will be able to live life freely. Do you want to spend every day feeling scared like the child watching the horror movie behind the cushion? Or do you want to stand up to fear, laugh in its face and watch it fizzle into a pathetic heap of nothingness? Life can seem scary, it really truly can. But only because you let it. Ask yourself what you would be doing today if you weren?t afraid? You know that you have strength, you can be brave and powerful, it?s time to show the world what you are made of. See fear as an illusion and your dreams will become real.

Now, I wish to speak about Inner Peace. The Tibetan goddess Tara whose name means star comes to me and brings you peace and patience. Her symbols are the Lotus Flower and the Third Eye. Tara brings it to my attention that you are whizzing through life way too fast and not stopping to enjoy the good stuff along the way. You need to learn how to calm down and stay centred, so that you can get through any situation with a smile on your face. Remember this: Everything in life happens for a reason and it happens at exactly the right time. So what?s the point in being a stress head? Tara is watching over you and she knows that you are on the right path, experiencing all that you need to experience.

We recommend breathing deeply to keep you calm and relaxed! In through your nose and out through your mouth. Do this until your stress has dissolved into whispy little clouds of happiness.

Spend your days in perfect peace and your journey will be joyful.

Love, Light & Healing,

SarahC

SarahC- Please call me hun, im soooo worried about you. Check your Youtube message. xxxx

Banned

I cant believe it- I have just been banned from my local Sandwich shop by an OAP!!!

I went in there, shop was chocca with people, a friend of mine works in there, but the assistant manager was in (The OAP i refere to above), anyways the OAP takes mine a 4 other peoples order at the same time, so im standing there and more people are coming and are being served by my friend and another girl who works there.
People are being served yet im still standing there like a lemon, so i asked my friend to make me a milkshake, which she does while taking other peoples orders, the OAP had a go at her for making it, I held my tongue, bearing in mind id been standing there for 15 mins already!!

Soo another 15 mins later im still standing there, and My friend asks the OAP when the bacon is going to be done (If she told me at the beginning they had to cook bacon i would have left it, plus as i said ebeyone else was being served), anyway the OAP gives her a funny look (My friends already told me how much a bitch this woman can be), so i this was the convo that led me to get banned as i couldnt let her bitchiness pass a 2nd time:

OAP: *GIVES THE LOOK AT MY FRIEND SO I SHOUTS**
Me: Well i have been waiting here 30 mins already
OAP: Well you are being served
Me: But ive been standing here for 30mins while everyone else has been served and left.
OAP: Im waiting for the bacon
Me: So it takes half an hour for bacon, Plus you could have let me know as i would have either ordered something else or just left it.
OAP: Dont argue with me.
Me: Excuse me..
OAP: Dont argue with me
Me: Actually i bloody well will as i am the customer and ive been standing here for half an hour which is ridiculious just for a sandwich, anyway i will leave it.
OAP: Good, you do that and dont come back in the shop
Me: Laughs in her face


BTW This was infront of about 7 customers, i knew a girl in the shop so i proceeded to call the woman a "fucking mong"(in temper of course, im usually oh so innocent. lol) and left the shop.
IT WILL NOT END THERE, i plan to speak to the owner of the shop as im disgusted at her attitude, also the way she speaks to her staff!! I would never speak to my staff like that!

Tell you this though, if she wasnt about 60 id have jumped over that counter and landed one on her, i was angry at how she spoke to me!

Holidays....

Today my parents go away for the weekend, this is and has been a problem for me in the past...

When they go abroad i freak out, as the anxiety gets in my head and i think "what if" something happens to me and there not around, I dont like that feeling or thought!

Although they are only going an hour and half away from my home, im hoping that will count in my mind for something and i wont get anxious. (Mind tricks hey!!)

They are going camping- My Mum has never been before and if im honest im secretly hoping she hates it and comes home tomorrow instead of Sunday.
What i have also notice is a change in my mood and how i feel generally when the sun is out- I do feel a bit more anxious than if it were raining/cloudy.

Im also debating should i try and walk to the shop again today, i feel really tired though and not really motivated, i must think positive though if im going to get my shit together and face it head on!

I will keep you updated.

Guess what

I have had a lovely few days, all started on Tuesday- I went around the shop with my neighbour and felt fine (ive never walked the shop with anyone else before as i always thought that would make me feel really anxious), so then all day yesterday my friend was with me and we had a blast, good times, and well now i have just returned from going the shop alone with minor anxiety (i had a few wobbles), but nothing i couldnt handle.

Jeez i feel like Rocky Balboa!!

Ive also decided to get back into work, just finished my refresher course (make up artist) as thats what im qualified to do believe it or not, so im going to wedding fayre on Sunday to pitch so should be good fun, plus being a bride to be myself i just love that atmosphere!

Shock....

1st of all as per usual i need to document when i have my panic attacks- Last night i had one which lasted 2 hours. I slept well after it ended.

2nd of all.... DAVE..... Wow to say i am shocked is seriously an understatement... Altho plze do not feel u have to feel sorry for me, as u say we didnt get on, as far as im concerned, u were a cunt to me to start off with and i gave it back to you. bandwagon to start at 1st, but then i actually stuck up for u that time when u left and was de-modded so things were cool on that front...

I admire that you have outed yourself to me, specially with my record (pabsgate), however i think you know that on really serious matters im safe, so it will go no further.. To be honest i dont care if you out me, it will only confirm what a lot of ppl thought, and yes they will take the piss but i will STILL stand my ground regardless, as thats just who i am as a person. I have never lied on there so my coinscience is clear.

Im just still in a shock reg you...... madness, and well i know how u feel, more madness.!!

Thanks 4 the Youtube sub, crazy as you subbed to 2 of my good friends, SarahC and Lauri- And i never even come across you before now- then again i try not to look at too many panic videos as they can make me dwell sometimes, and thats not good for me..

Anyway u have my MSN, lets chat soon.. Hope ur having a good weekend :)

Goals and accomplisments..

Today i got a bus again, i only went from outside my house to about 4 stops, to which is the village.
I then went into 2 shops and then to Sayers before Danny picked me up which was only about 15-20 mins after i firdt got on the bus BUT i guess it all helps- Baby steps or what!

I see my CBT therapist on 1st June and he is working out a programme so i will go out with someone i dont know- feel a bit anxious about that if im being honest as how the fuck will a stranger help me if im mid panic and wanting to go home, im also worried that if she says the wrong thing i will bite her head off as after all she prob doesnt know how im feeling inside and when im anxious i can be a total bitch as i get sooo frustrated. I think part of my "bus journey" today is so i can say to my therapist- Look i can go out alone so i dont need anyone, but i think deep down i do need someone but i already feel sorry for her meeting and putting up with me.

Wish me luck- and her, i guess she may need it more than me!!

Hmmm

Feeling anxious right now, danny is making me a bacon butty as he is home early from work but has to go at 3pm to pick up a new car, its 45 mins away so i know he wont be home till 5-5.30 and that is making me anxious...
I may feel different when i have had something to eat..

A new day..

Ok so today i feel MUCH better- So much better infact that i decided to do the womanly thing and clean the flat top to bottom, i cleaned solid for 3 hours and no sigh of any anxiety!!!
Im tired now but it was worth it as i didnt realise how scummy some places can be ie: Under the couch- Full of dust!

I did get a bit panicy last night as My Mum went to a arena to watch my sister on a catwalk and she had to get the train back as my Dad was in work, she was with my auntie and cousins, but the last train was 11.15, so im calling her at 11.15 to make sure she is on the train and no answer for at least 25 mins!! Lots of horrid thoughts went through me mind etc etc- Im sure you know the drill, anyway she finally called me and told me he got a taxi back so all was well and i slept great. :)

Sucky sucky

I hate my life...

Day after day im stuck at home alone, with nothing but a dog and a computer to keep me company.
I have a migraine, ive had this since Friday and its times like these where my anxiety rears its ugly head, and shows me it still has a bit of control. I cannot fight it when im like this, i feel far to weak.
I took the dog in the garden only to face dizziness and not even 2 mins- My poor dog.!!

Today im frustrated, im frustrated because in normal life i should be able to just "go out", but in my life i just physically cannot do it! And hey dont get me wrong, i can go out with other people but when it comes to doing it alone- NO chance! Why?? I DONT KNOW!

I would give anything to change that....

No Title today

Dont worry i am still here.....

I have loads to tell you BUT i feel crap so dont want to sit here and bore you.

I may stop blogging and do a "PROPER" blog and just talk solely about my illness instead of chatting boring crap..... I have a headache right now...
Not been a good day.

**SIGHS**

See u again in a month with another shitty update!

Weight issues

I weighed myself today.......

I have not weighed myself in around 5 months.
Last time i weighed myself i was 9 stone 4lbs which i was happy with- a size 10-12

The result was NOT GOOD!! Infact im mortified and have put myself on a diet!!!

I was( **edited* - See im using past tense even tho its should say "i am") 10 stone 8lbs- Thats DISGUSTING!!

I dont look after myself, ie: watch what im eating/exercise and well today has shown me i need to as im not going to turn into a disgusting fat blob of mess!

I WILL NOT ALLOW IT! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

All my clothes still fit me tho which are a 10-12, i think my top half has gotten bigger if im honest and not my boobs! I have man arms!! *Cries*

So day 1 of my exercise i walked the dog to the park, done some dunbell weights, walked around the block and made the tea.
No chocolate so far but i went and stocked up on some fruit for when ni get the urge.
I really hate the thought of no chocolate but i'll leave it alone if it makes me nice and trim again.

Dreams are shit!

Today i have a headache and i feel shit and to top it all of for some bizzare reason the last 2 nights i have been dreaming that my other half is cheating on me (in real i know he isnt)- Anyone fancy looking up the meaning to this dream for me, as its physically making me feel sick- just the thought of it!! Even tho its not real.

I have the most full on dreams, which are mainly horrible and shit- im weird!
Im feeling so woeful today- Must think positive!!

Anyway on other news, i finally picked my bridesmaid dresses/shoes and Mums dress! All done, paid and sorted..

Thats it.

I have felt really tired the last 2-3 days, i hope im not coming down with something!!
Im putting it down to too many ate nights and not enuff sleep.

Not much to report apart from that really. Oh my life can be sooo boring!! lol

Oh no wait a min.... I went for an italian last night or it may have been Monday - think it was Monday! Yes it was Monday ive just been informed! lol

Ive not been to a proper resturant in around a year and a half! Good Achievement hey!

Oooh an some piccys!!- Good job Danny dont read my blog!!

Frikken catch up!!

Hello...

Been a while, right.....

Well im still existing!!
Im back home, fresh after a CBT appointment, not the best one today as i got there at 11am an someone was still in the room so waited 10mins sitting down, there were 4 other people sitting there, i felt really uncomfortable so went outside, anyway.. we finally gets in the room around 11.20 and i start to feel really hot- this is one of my triggers!
Then the sweaty hands started. I know it was because my other half Danny left the doctors where i have my CBT (he usually stays and waits), so im getting all the bodily symptoms, after about 10mins they ease but im still aware of them being there- ppl who suffer anxiety will know what i mean when i say that.
But he thinks my progress is great, BUT, he thinks i can do more, but says im lazy and i need to get myself motivated in my mind to do.. He is right but its my fear thats stopping me, however i really want to be able to do more.... but im happy atm SO i have now changed it so i have fortnight appointments with Rob instead of weekly, then i dnt feel as much pressure to "get out", i wanna do it because i want to, not because i feel i have to!

Oh and did i tell you a good achievement i made!!!

I went wedding dress shopping with my Mum and Sister- Ive never been out with my Mum and Sister for about 5 years!!!
Above are my dress pics- i felt like a princess in it!! Really i did, and i cant wait to wear it:)

Beatbox

wow. so they say he`s a bum, i don`t really see it, but i guess. . .

EITHER WAY. this guy is so dope! i mean i don`t really have any idea about what he`s talking about. ahahaha. he`s not even using a synthesizer or anything. i love it. i wanna remix this. lol.

take a look.

+ and -

Yes i have missed another CBT appointment today, as Danny cant leave work today, so i have re-booked for Fri next week, however when i spoke to my therapist i knew he wasnt happy as its the 2nd i have missed!
Danny said my Dad would take me but nooooo i didnt want that, has to be Danny- I wish i had the courage to go on my own!!

But as i felt that was a negative, i had to go and do something positive, sooooo i put on my coat and decided to walk to my local post office, i got 3/4 of the way there and thought thats enough, so turned around and slowly walked back home... So i feel i have done something rather than nothing.
I prob would have gone alot further if i had cash on me, but my logic was to walk the post office and draw some money off my card then get a taxi somewhere, but i bottled it and im not going to push myself and run before i can walk.

What would you do...

What would you do if you were waiting for an amazing thing to happen in your life, but yet you had to wait and even so there may not be a chance it would even happen anyway?

Would you:

a) Just give up- whats the point in getting your hopes up only for it to fail
b) Just keep hoping
c) Be more determined to make sure it happens- yet not ever knowing if it will or not

Answers on a postcard plze to a very confused Emma. :S

No CBT

I never went to my CBT yesterday as i felt really weak, a sure sign of my anxiety to come, however today i feel great- How strange is that!
So i have re-booked for Friday.

Dannys Mum came up on Friday just gone and we had a rally good chat, i aired what i wanted regarding the whole "i wont get happy until i see u getting better" line she used on me.... I see where she is coming from but even so she said its how she felt so me and Danny told her how we both felt- she couldn't say anything back to me..
But we cleared it and its all good now, Sunday went to visit his Mum again at his aunties house, she had a cat thats a sphinx (not sure how u spell it)
Above is the the pic i took of it, its strange but after a while i got use to Gizzy (Gizmo) and its was snuggling into me. How cute!!

Again most days my mind is pre-occupied with wedding stuff, i swear im sooooo fuckin excited i could seriously burst open rays of beaming light outta my body. lmao....

I also wanna say hi to Sarah- and let her know her blogs are LEGENDARY!! xxxx

Sicky

Feelin rather sick today, soon as i woke up i had to go the toilet and well sorry to be blunt but it was really runny, so im not feeling great- Not sure if its down to a bug or my anxiety.....
But im also really tired as was tossing and turning last night, i felt the same on Monday also, just very tired and fed up.. My 1st really off day in weeks!

However even though im feeling shit, im still going to go out as i have to go to my Mum and Dad's house for a while. And thats about it for the day..

My CBT Therapist asked me on Monday to go out on my own everyday this week up until i see him again on Monday, so far i havent done it.... Again im not sure if it is my anxiety and the fear kicking in or the fact i just cant be arsed!! I think its the latter- plus its cold but then again i have to say- am i just using those as a excuse not to do it....?

Save the date cards...

I made my own save the date cards tonight for my wedding... Im chuffed with them as i have never made anything like this before!!

Also has nice print on inside:)

Rant

Ok so i need to rant and get a few things off my chest....

1) This wedding im trying to plan!!

Im pissed off as i seem to be the only one who is really excited and well saving money/doing things! (yes i have saved £150 currently in one week only.- lol i just cut back on my normal shopping habits)

Yes its over 2 yrs away BUT i can still plan stuff cant i...

Danny's Mum was really ignorant when i told her my plans, she said "I will be happy and excited about it when i see your getting better"

WTF, she lives in Devon, im in Merseyside, how the fuk can she see if im doing better, plus i know i have comeon leaps and bounds!! Even Danny seen his arse, but we had a row over it as i said he should confront her and he said no beacause he didnt want to upset the apple cart or hurt her feelings!
So i said "Oh but its ok that she upsets our apple cart and hurts my feelings", he had no answer to that!!
But it really really pissed me off, that was a week and half ago- i have not spoke to her since, well in Honesty since the day after boxing day (when i had an episode infront of her) she aint called us, which is a bit odd, i think i embarrassed her infront of her new husband, but it wasnt my fault, it was my illness.

So then...... I asked my Mum to come dress shopping with me on Fri coming (goinna try on to see which i like/dislike) and granted she works like 24-7, but Fri was her day off and she said she would have to see as she may have to stay in to get her new carpet fitted!! Well that annoyed me as i thought what is more important and frikken carpet or me and my dress. So i told her not to bother and thats how i left it....

Danny wont let me book a venue either(his reason because we have to save the pennies this year to see which one we can afford) even though we have been to see around 15- i now think its been a complete waste of time as i know we will only end up going to them all again next year..
And well i feel like i cant do NOTHING and i hate it, it just doesnt seem real to me, and i really want it to be as even Danny said since this wedding business im a completely diff person, an he thinks it is because my mind is so occupied with wedding stuff that im not really giving my anxiety room to breath which i agree with altho i do still have shaky days (one of them being today), as i have my CBT appointment at 2.30 and i just cant be bothered sitting there chatting bolloks about my anxiety..

Whats a girl to do hey!! I just want things to be perfect but no-one is taking this as serious as i want them too!! HELP!!!!

Im feeling good!!

That sums up my mood of late!!

Headache

I have had the WORST headache for the last 3 days now. Seriously it hurts.

GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.............

It makes me feel sick, tired an un-motivated.. i tend to get them when im due for my monthly. i hate monthlys, i hate being a woman. Men get it sooooo easy!! pfft.

My Hectic 2 weeks

Right well where do i start.... Maybe the fact i actually was able to write my title before i even wrote my 1st sentence here is starting on a positive!!

So....... me and Danny have just booked our wedding date and have started to go and look at Venues, the venues we looked at are not just local ones, we had to go at least 30mins in the car to get to them and i felt great!! A couple of wobbily moments but on the whole it was fantastic, hardly any anxiety at all!!
So that gave me alot of confidence, so then on Saturday just gone 24/1/09, for the 1st time in around 3-4 years i got on a BUS on my OWN!!, up to my local village and well that wasnt it..... I then went into a cafe and ordered myself a breakfast and ate it on my own THEN walked to Danny's fathers house which is only about 5 mins away!!

Honestly... I was on cloud nine, as you need to know i've not left my house in over a year without Danny!!

Then on the Sunday i went to a wedding fayre, loads of people where there, stayed for around 2 hours, THEN, went for a Sunday Dinner in the pub with my Dad/Danny/sister and her 2 friends, and even though it took ages for our food to come, it was lovely and i really enjoyed myself!

Yesterday (Monday) i chilled out as i had/have a headache- yes i awoke with it this morning still. Grrrrr, and again i went to see another 2 wedding venues this morning, one which was FAB!
It could be the one, fingers crossed, oh and for those ppl who read this an think about getting married... think again. It costs a FORTUNE!!!! I feel so sorry for my father, so im trying to keep it right down.

I also WON the lottery on both Wed and Sat last week
(4 numbers on Wed and 3 on the Sat)

Went to see my CBT therapist yesterday and he was well chuffed with my progress, altho he thinks my avoidance of doing things could be my downfall.. and he is right, for example; I wont go further than and hour away from home, things like that will stop my progress dead, but i guess i have to build on my sucesses and then who knows......
But he thinks im more advanced than he thought i would be at week 4.. which he and i both know is not a bad thing! He has gave me a sheet which i have to fill in of places i fear going to the most and i have to rate 1-10, ie my worst at 10 would be flying on a plane, where as 1 would be going the local shop on my own.


So yes i have had a productive week, lets keep this up and also thanks to Sarahc for her special mention on her blog, that was sooooooooooooooooooooo sweet and well i honestly think she is a special lady and if only she would accept that!!!
xxx

Blah blah blah

I know its been a while.. I have so much to write but when it comes to doing it my mind just goes blank, then i go and read another anxiety/agoraphobia person's blog and what they write i should write as its like a mirror effect, but yet i just dont think to write that....

Maybe im trying to block out the badness of my illness, something that i dont think about surely cannot rear its ugly head.. right??

I guess for an update u should see my videos, as well i think im really crap at blogging. This is suppose to be about my anxiety/panic but the truth is..................................

I STRUGGLE talking about it... Im afraid i will jinx the fact that im doing really well at the minute... I dont want a set-back, i wanna be normal and not have to carry this shitty illness.
After your at the top, do you always have to come down as when your at the bottom they say after that the only way is up.......

I just feel that people may read this blog hoping to see similarities/for inspiration/who are intriqued etc etc... BUT i ask myself "what can someone get out of taking a few minutes of there life just to read my crap", as lets face it- it is crap mainly ie: Talking about trifles... WTF??

Some may see it as me writing about my achievments as i guess thats what they could be- even my trifle (I have never made one in my life), but then if i wanna chat about fuking trifle i should start a cooking blog!
Do you see where im heading with this.... or am i just waffling complete crap as per usual...

Oh who knows/who cares... but thanks for reading my pointless crap. xx

The panic room.

Ok 1st off please excuse my drawing, my CBT therapist explained this to me last session. So will share it with you.

The above diagram is your brain.

The P stands for : The initial perception
The S Stands for: The storage of that perception.

Now when we learned to ie: Brush our hair, we must have watched someone do this 1st and got the initial perception of this, when actually learned to brushed our hair we then store that perception in our brain.
Its the same with anyhting else such as learning to do your shoe laces/ learning to switch a TV on/ learning to eat.

And what your brain does is store them in different rooms so when the time comes to it, without really thinking about it your opening up a little room in your brain to let out your storage perception and brush your hair for example without much thought. Its so fast you dont even think about what you thought about doing as it seem automatic.

Well this is the same with panic as "anxiety" etc has its own little room and all it takes is that small minute bad thought (trigger) which happens so fast you may even miss it (hence why ppl say panic attacks just come on suddenly without warning).

Does anyone...

Ever read my blog????

Im just curious? Then again if i was someone else i prob would not read my boring shit!!

World wide walk..

Ok so Yesterday i did my lil walk for WWW, if bu have no clue what im on about i will explain (also look at the vid on the right of the horses- thats the one to watch) ok so....

4th Jan is World wide walk day for anxiety, it was designed for ppl with anxiety/agoraphobia etc to try an get out the house an do a walk. That sums it up really. so i did my walk and felt good about it..

Been really anxious today, like an 8 out of 10 as i have been alone for the day after me having Danny home the last 2 and a half weeks so its been pretty strange, however even though i have been alone i dont feel that alone as i have been watching peoples vids on youtube today which was refreshing!
I have also just started a scrapbook/diary which is really helpful to me and i learn so much more about anxiety with watching ppls vids so im anxiety over-loaded right now. lol

Will do a small update later tonight as its only 3.30pm now.

Hackers!!

IM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my bank account hacked/credit card hacked through paypal!!
£50 took out of each (a small amount) but..... its the hassle that comes with it. ie: I had to cancel both accounts and now have to wait for new details for both (may actually kerb my spending), but its not good!!

Cheeky fucker had his email address as: paypal@dofus.com

*Please feel free to email the twat and give him a bolloking!!*

BOO

BOO...
Did i scare you???? lol

Right now back on track.... todays been......... a bit frustrating to say the least.. I wanted to buy myself a new phone, as Danny got one for Xmas but its on Vodafone, im on 02, so i decided to go onto Vodafone, and also thought id treat myself to a new phone... AND THEN........ WAIT FOR IT................................

Ive just got a new visa card with a new pin and i FORGOT the pin number!!! HOW STUPID! i didnt even write it down, and i have no clue where the letter is with my pin on (Danny files paperwork likes its no tomorrow), and puts it in the loft- DONT ASK!!!!!
So i had to phone my bank up and order a new pin and it will take up to 10 days so i have to wait to buy my new phone, or even get money out of my bank! But it worked out in the end anyway but thats another story.....!

But another quick one i'll tell u is that i bought a ipod player(its also has a video/picture/email/voice recorder on it) and i got it this morning and like a child with a toy i was so chuffed, till i discovered the middle button was stuck so i couldnt play anything.. BUT.. i sorted it, i made the button unstuck and started playing with it. I uploaded a few songs as the purpose of it is to upload my chilling/relaxation music, as i have another one i have for normal music.
But my ipod fits in ur palm and is PINK! Groovyyyyyyyyyyyyy :)

Thats all i have done today, im looking forward to my CBT on Tuesday, and i have just started a book with all info on panic/anxiety.. You never know if i ever recover, i may pass it on to ppl who need it.. Imagine that, i could become famous. lol........................ No thanks, im happy with my little existance, can u imagine me famous, id be a bloody wreck!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

New Years Day...

mmmmmmmmmm

So last night i was anxious, come 11.30pm tho i felt totally fine. I stayed up and watched the BBC Fireworks and then Hooternanny with Jools Holland and i was cool..

Today i had my Mum and Dad around for dinner which was nice, i made a trifle, its was Lovely- however we had to whip the cream by hand, which took about 20mins and 4 of us were doing it as it killed your arm!! lol- Pics below of the finish article!! How chuffed was i..... :)

Im just chilling tonight, anxiety is about a 5 out of 10 at the min..