Beatbox

wow. so they say he`s a bum, i don`t really see it, but i guess. . .

EITHER WAY. this guy is so dope! i mean i don`t really have any idea about what he`s talking about. ahahaha. he`s not even using a synthesizer or anything. i love it. i wanna remix this. lol.

take a look.

+ and -

Yes i have missed another CBT appointment today, as Danny cant leave work today, so i have re-booked for Fri next week, however when i spoke to my therapist i knew he wasnt happy as its the 2nd i have missed!
Danny said my Dad would take me but nooooo i didnt want that, has to be Danny- I wish i had the courage to go on my own!!

But as i felt that was a negative, i had to go and do something positive, sooooo i put on my coat and decided to walk to my local post office, i got 3/4 of the way there and thought thats enough, so turned around and slowly walked back home... So i feel i have done something rather than nothing.
I prob would have gone alot further if i had cash on me, but my logic was to walk the post office and draw some money off my card then get a taxi somewhere, but i bottled it and im not going to push myself and run before i can walk.

What would you do...

What would you do if you were waiting for an amazing thing to happen in your life, but yet you had to wait and even so there may not be a chance it would even happen anyway?

Would you:

a) Just give up- whats the point in getting your hopes up only for it to fail
b) Just keep hoping
c) Be more determined to make sure it happens- yet not ever knowing if it will or not

Answers on a postcard plze to a very confused Emma. :S

No CBT

I never went to my CBT yesterday as i felt really weak, a sure sign of my anxiety to come, however today i feel great- How strange is that!
So i have re-booked for Friday.

Dannys Mum came up on Friday just gone and we had a rally good chat, i aired what i wanted regarding the whole "i wont get happy until i see u getting better" line she used on me.... I see where she is coming from but even so she said its how she felt so me and Danny told her how we both felt- she couldn't say anything back to me..
But we cleared it and its all good now, Sunday went to visit his Mum again at his aunties house, she had a cat thats a sphinx (not sure how u spell it)
Above is the the pic i took of it, its strange but after a while i got use to Gizzy (Gizmo) and its was snuggling into me. How cute!!

Again most days my mind is pre-occupied with wedding stuff, i swear im sooooo fuckin excited i could seriously burst open rays of beaming light outta my body. lmao....

I also wanna say hi to Sarah- and let her know her blogs are LEGENDARY!! xxxx

Sicky

Feelin rather sick today, soon as i woke up i had to go the toilet and well sorry to be blunt but it was really runny, so im not feeling great- Not sure if its down to a bug or my anxiety.....
But im also really tired as was tossing and turning last night, i felt the same on Monday also, just very tired and fed up.. My 1st really off day in weeks!

However even though im feeling shit, im still going to go out as i have to go to my Mum and Dad's house for a while. And thats about it for the day..

My CBT Therapist asked me on Monday to go out on my own everyday this week up until i see him again on Monday, so far i havent done it.... Again im not sure if it is my anxiety and the fear kicking in or the fact i just cant be arsed!! I think its the latter- plus its cold but then again i have to say- am i just using those as a excuse not to do it....?

Save the date cards...

I made my own save the date cards tonight for my wedding... Im chuffed with them as i have never made anything like this before!!

Also has nice print on inside:)

Rant

Ok so i need to rant and get a few things off my chest....

1) This wedding im trying to plan!!

Im pissed off as i seem to be the only one who is really excited and well saving money/doing things! (yes i have saved £150 currently in one week only.- lol i just cut back on my normal shopping habits)

Yes its over 2 yrs away BUT i can still plan stuff cant i...

Danny's Mum was really ignorant when i told her my plans, she said "I will be happy and excited about it when i see your getting better"

WTF, she lives in Devon, im in Merseyside, how the fuk can she see if im doing better, plus i know i have comeon leaps and bounds!! Even Danny seen his arse, but we had a row over it as i said he should confront her and he said no beacause he didnt want to upset the apple cart or hurt her feelings!
So i said "Oh but its ok that she upsets our apple cart and hurts my feelings", he had no answer to that!!
But it really really pissed me off, that was a week and half ago- i have not spoke to her since, well in Honesty since the day after boxing day (when i had an episode infront of her) she aint called us, which is a bit odd, i think i embarrassed her infront of her new husband, but it wasnt my fault, it was my illness.

So then...... I asked my Mum to come dress shopping with me on Fri coming (goinna try on to see which i like/dislike) and granted she works like 24-7, but Fri was her day off and she said she would have to see as she may have to stay in to get her new carpet fitted!! Well that annoyed me as i thought what is more important and frikken carpet or me and my dress. So i told her not to bother and thats how i left it....

Danny wont let me book a venue either(his reason because we have to save the pennies this year to see which one we can afford) even though we have been to see around 15- i now think its been a complete waste of time as i know we will only end up going to them all again next year..
And well i feel like i cant do NOTHING and i hate it, it just doesnt seem real to me, and i really want it to be as even Danny said since this wedding business im a completely diff person, an he thinks it is because my mind is so occupied with wedding stuff that im not really giving my anxiety room to breath which i agree with altho i do still have shaky days (one of them being today), as i have my CBT appointment at 2.30 and i just cant be bothered sitting there chatting bolloks about my anxiety..

Whats a girl to do hey!! I just want things to be perfect but no-one is taking this as serious as i want them too!! HELP!!!!