Shock....

1st of all as per usual i need to document when i have my panic attacks- Last night i had one which lasted 2 hours. I slept well after it ended.

2nd of all.... DAVE..... Wow to say i am shocked is seriously an understatement... Altho plze do not feel u have to feel sorry for me, as u say we didnt get on, as far as im concerned, u were a cunt to me to start off with and i gave it back to you. bandwagon to start at 1st, but then i actually stuck up for u that time when u left and was de-modded so things were cool on that front...

I admire that you have outed yourself to me, specially with my record (pabsgate), however i think you know that on really serious matters im safe, so it will go no further.. To be honest i dont care if you out me, it will only confirm what a lot of ppl thought, and yes they will take the piss but i will STILL stand my ground regardless, as thats just who i am as a person. I have never lied on there so my coinscience is clear.

Im just still in a shock reg you...... madness, and well i know how u feel, more madness.!!

Thanks 4 the Youtube sub, crazy as you subbed to 2 of my good friends, SarahC and Lauri- And i never even come across you before now- then again i try not to look at too many panic videos as they can make me dwell sometimes, and thats not good for me..

Anyway u have my MSN, lets chat soon.. Hope ur having a good weekend :)

Goals and accomplisments..

Today i got a bus again, i only went from outside my house to about 4 stops, to which is the village.
I then went into 2 shops and then to Sayers before Danny picked me up which was only about 15-20 mins after i firdt got on the bus BUT i guess it all helps- Baby steps or what!

I see my CBT therapist on 1st June and he is working out a programme so i will go out with someone i dont know- feel a bit anxious about that if im being honest as how the fuck will a stranger help me if im mid panic and wanting to go home, im also worried that if she says the wrong thing i will bite her head off as after all she prob doesnt know how im feeling inside and when im anxious i can be a total bitch as i get sooo frustrated. I think part of my "bus journey" today is so i can say to my therapist- Look i can go out alone so i dont need anyone, but i think deep down i do need someone but i already feel sorry for her meeting and putting up with me.

Wish me luck- and her, i guess she may need it more than me!!

Hmmm

Feeling anxious right now, danny is making me a bacon butty as he is home early from work but has to go at 3pm to pick up a new car, its 45 mins away so i know he wont be home till 5-5.30 and that is making me anxious...
I may feel different when i have had something to eat..

A new day..

Ok so today i feel MUCH better- So much better infact that i decided to do the womanly thing and clean the flat top to bottom, i cleaned solid for 3 hours and no sigh of any anxiety!!!
Im tired now but it was worth it as i didnt realise how scummy some places can be ie: Under the couch- Full of dust!

I did get a bit panicy last night as My Mum went to a arena to watch my sister on a catwalk and she had to get the train back as my Dad was in work, she was with my auntie and cousins, but the last train was 11.15, so im calling her at 11.15 to make sure she is on the train and no answer for at least 25 mins!! Lots of horrid thoughts went through me mind etc etc- Im sure you know the drill, anyway she finally called me and told me he got a taxi back so all was well and i slept great. :)

Sucky sucky

I hate my life...

Day after day im stuck at home alone, with nothing but a dog and a computer to keep me company.
I have a migraine, ive had this since Friday and its times like these where my anxiety rears its ugly head, and shows me it still has a bit of control. I cannot fight it when im like this, i feel far to weak.
I took the dog in the garden only to face dizziness and not even 2 mins- My poor dog.!!

Today im frustrated, im frustrated because in normal life i should be able to just "go out", but in my life i just physically cannot do it! And hey dont get me wrong, i can go out with other people but when it comes to doing it alone- NO chance! Why?? I DONT KNOW!

I would give anything to change that....