Im feeling good!!

That sums up my mood of late!!

Headache

I have had the WORST headache for the last 3 days now. Seriously it hurts.

GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.............

It makes me feel sick, tired an un-motivated.. i tend to get them when im due for my monthly. i hate monthlys, i hate being a woman. Men get it sooooo easy!! pfft.

My Hectic 2 weeks

Right well where do i start.... Maybe the fact i actually was able to write my title before i even wrote my 1st sentence here is starting on a positive!!

So....... me and Danny have just booked our wedding date and have started to go and look at Venues, the venues we looked at are not just local ones, we had to go at least 30mins in the car to get to them and i felt great!! A couple of wobbily moments but on the whole it was fantastic, hardly any anxiety at all!!
So that gave me alot of confidence, so then on Saturday just gone 24/1/09, for the 1st time in around 3-4 years i got on a BUS on my OWN!!, up to my local village and well that wasnt it..... I then went into a cafe and ordered myself a breakfast and ate it on my own THEN walked to Danny's fathers house which is only about 5 mins away!!

Honestly... I was on cloud nine, as you need to know i've not left my house in over a year without Danny!!

Then on the Sunday i went to a wedding fayre, loads of people where there, stayed for around 2 hours, THEN, went for a Sunday Dinner in the pub with my Dad/Danny/sister and her 2 friends, and even though it took ages for our food to come, it was lovely and i really enjoyed myself!

Yesterday (Monday) i chilled out as i had/have a headache- yes i awoke with it this morning still. Grrrrr, and again i went to see another 2 wedding venues this morning, one which was FAB!
It could be the one, fingers crossed, oh and for those ppl who read this an think about getting married... think again. It costs a FORTUNE!!!! I feel so sorry for my father, so im trying to keep it right down.

I also WON the lottery on both Wed and Sat last week
(4 numbers on Wed and 3 on the Sat)

Went to see my CBT therapist yesterday and he was well chuffed with my progress, altho he thinks my avoidance of doing things could be my downfall.. and he is right, for example; I wont go further than and hour away from home, things like that will stop my progress dead, but i guess i have to build on my sucesses and then who knows......
But he thinks im more advanced than he thought i would be at week 4.. which he and i both know is not a bad thing! He has gave me a sheet which i have to fill in of places i fear going to the most and i have to rate 1-10, ie my worst at 10 would be flying on a plane, where as 1 would be going the local shop on my own.


So yes i have had a productive week, lets keep this up and also thanks to Sarahc for her special mention on her blog, that was sooooooooooooooooooooo sweet and well i honestly think she is a special lady and if only she would accept that!!!
xxx

Blah blah blah

I know its been a while.. I have so much to write but when it comes to doing it my mind just goes blank, then i go and read another anxiety/agoraphobia person's blog and what they write i should write as its like a mirror effect, but yet i just dont think to write that....

Maybe im trying to block out the badness of my illness, something that i dont think about surely cannot rear its ugly head.. right??

I guess for an update u should see my videos, as well i think im really crap at blogging. This is suppose to be about my anxiety/panic but the truth is..................................

I STRUGGLE talking about it... Im afraid i will jinx the fact that im doing really well at the minute... I dont want a set-back, i wanna be normal and not have to carry this shitty illness.
After your at the top, do you always have to come down as when your at the bottom they say after that the only way is up.......

I just feel that people may read this blog hoping to see similarities/for inspiration/who are intriqued etc etc... BUT i ask myself "what can someone get out of taking a few minutes of there life just to read my crap", as lets face it- it is crap mainly ie: Talking about trifles... WTF??

Some may see it as me writing about my achievments as i guess thats what they could be- even my trifle (I have never made one in my life), but then if i wanna chat about fuking trifle i should start a cooking blog!
Do you see where im heading with this.... or am i just waffling complete crap as per usual...

Oh who knows/who cares... but thanks for reading my pointless crap. xx

The panic room.

Ok 1st off please excuse my drawing, my CBT therapist explained this to me last session. So will share it with you.

The above diagram is your brain.

The P stands for : The initial perception
The S Stands for: The storage of that perception.

Now when we learned to ie: Brush our hair, we must have watched someone do this 1st and got the initial perception of this, when actually learned to brushed our hair we then store that perception in our brain.
Its the same with anyhting else such as learning to do your shoe laces/ learning to switch a TV on/ learning to eat.

And what your brain does is store them in different rooms so when the time comes to it, without really thinking about it your opening up a little room in your brain to let out your storage perception and brush your hair for example without much thought. Its so fast you dont even think about what you thought about doing as it seem automatic.

Well this is the same with panic as "anxiety" etc has its own little room and all it takes is that small minute bad thought (trigger) which happens so fast you may even miss it (hence why ppl say panic attacks just come on suddenly without warning).

Does anyone...

Ever read my blog????

Im just curious? Then again if i was someone else i prob would not read my boring shit!!

World wide walk..

Ok so Yesterday i did my lil walk for WWW, if bu have no clue what im on about i will explain (also look at the vid on the right of the horses- thats the one to watch) ok so....

4th Jan is World wide walk day for anxiety, it was designed for ppl with anxiety/agoraphobia etc to try an get out the house an do a walk. That sums it up really. so i did my walk and felt good about it..

Been really anxious today, like an 8 out of 10 as i have been alone for the day after me having Danny home the last 2 and a half weeks so its been pretty strange, however even though i have been alone i dont feel that alone as i have been watching peoples vids on youtube today which was refreshing!
I have also just started a scrapbook/diary which is really helpful to me and i learn so much more about anxiety with watching ppls vids so im anxiety over-loaded right now. lol

Will do a small update later tonight as its only 3.30pm now.

Hackers!!

IM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got my bank account hacked/credit card hacked through paypal!!
£50 took out of each (a small amount) but..... its the hassle that comes with it. ie: I had to cancel both accounts and now have to wait for new details for both (may actually kerb my spending), but its not good!!

Cheeky fucker had his email address as: paypal@dofus.com

*Please feel free to email the twat and give him a bolloking!!*

BOO

BOO...
Did i scare you???? lol

Right now back on track.... todays been......... a bit frustrating to say the least.. I wanted to buy myself a new phone, as Danny got one for Xmas but its on Vodafone, im on 02, so i decided to go onto Vodafone, and also thought id treat myself to a new phone... AND THEN........ WAIT FOR IT................................

Ive just got a new visa card with a new pin and i FORGOT the pin number!!! HOW STUPID! i didnt even write it down, and i have no clue where the letter is with my pin on (Danny files paperwork likes its no tomorrow), and puts it in the loft- DONT ASK!!!!!
So i had to phone my bank up and order a new pin and it will take up to 10 days so i have to wait to buy my new phone, or even get money out of my bank! But it worked out in the end anyway but thats another story.....!

But another quick one i'll tell u is that i bought a ipod player(its also has a video/picture/email/voice recorder on it) and i got it this morning and like a child with a toy i was so chuffed, till i discovered the middle button was stuck so i couldnt play anything.. BUT.. i sorted it, i made the button unstuck and started playing with it. I uploaded a few songs as the purpose of it is to upload my chilling/relaxation music, as i have another one i have for normal music.
But my ipod fits in ur palm and is PINK! Groovyyyyyyyyyyyyy :)

Thats all i have done today, im looking forward to my CBT on Tuesday, and i have just started a book with all info on panic/anxiety.. You never know if i ever recover, i may pass it on to ppl who need it.. Imagine that, i could become famous. lol........................ No thanks, im happy with my little existance, can u imagine me famous, id be a bloody wreck!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

New Years Day...

mmmmmmmmmm

So last night i was anxious, come 11.30pm tho i felt totally fine. I stayed up and watched the BBC Fireworks and then Hooternanny with Jools Holland and i was cool..

Today i had my Mum and Dad around for dinner which was nice, i made a trifle, its was Lovely- however we had to whip the cream by hand, which took about 20mins and 4 of us were doing it as it killed your arm!! lol- Pics below of the finish article!! How chuffed was i..... :)

Im just chilling tonight, anxiety is about a 5 out of 10 at the min..